April 29, 2014

And, it is Enough

There is less evidence of Austin here.  Tangibly less.
His hockey bag has been given to Fraser ~
Fraser's was thrown away.  Now, only three bags remain.
Where there once were four vying for space ~ three comfortably sit.

We had no idea how precious the days were when 

our four ran together toward us at the beach ~ no idea at all.
Now, the three who remain here with us carry on the tradition ~ 
and, while it is wonderful, it also makes us sad.


These three are beyond precious ~ without a doubt.
But, one is missing from this group, and it will always grieve our hearts.


If either of the boys is in need of an article of clothing ~
Austin's dresser is searched.  The items dispensed.
The room becomes less full.  Less of him here.

However, we are not in a rush to empty it completely ~ it is very much 

the same as it was on the day he was called Home to Heaven.
Bits and pieces of our Austin's things are redistributed as it feels natural to do so ~
we are not hurrying the process along.  One step at a time.  Bit by bit.

There is no timetable for all of this ~

we are so thankful for that mercy.

When I write cards from our family, Austin's name is omitted.

When notes are written to us, his name is not included.
He is missing in all our journeyings.  The van is less full.
Our family photos don't quite feel complete.  

Is this what an amputation feels like?


His chair sits empty at the table and his violin sits silent in its case.  

Nothing moves in his room unless we move it.  Silence.
No quick exchanges on the stairs or a wave at the window.
No welcome home or good-bye hug at the front door.

No bantering back and forth in the humour we shared.

No overhearing the interactions with siblings as he quietly led.
Fraser plays the piano alone.  Austin no longer composes music with him.
In these, and a myriad of other ways ~ his absence is felt.  Keenly.
Missing our Austin is an ongoing, moment by moment thing.

It hurts my Mama heart.


In times like these, I must remember where he is
What he is enjoying.  What he is doing.  Who he worships ~ night and day.
And, I must remember that the Lord will take me there, too.  One day.
Not for any merit in me.  But, because of my Lord.  All of Him.

He is Faithful.  His Word is true.  His ways are best.

If I do not fill my mind with Truth, I threaten to implode.
To crumble and shatter into a mess.  But, God.
God, Who is greater than any mess that is me ~
Rescues my heart.  Clarifies my focus.  Redirects my gaze.

Eternity.  Eternity.  Eternity.

Truly, eternity is what really matters.  All of this leads to that.
At the end of it all, that is all.  And, it is enough.
Seeking to continually fill our minds with Truth ~ day after day.
It really is the only way to keep moving forward.
The only way to keep from falling apart.

And, He is Good.  Always and forever.  Eternally.


Many Blessings,
Camille

17 comments:

Pam said...

It must be so hard Camille. I feel so choked up reading this. Your writing is like poetry. Perhaps you will write a book one of these days.
Love and Blessings,
Pam

Ann at eightacresofeden said...

Oh Camille, this post brought me to tears. You often hear people say 'You can't imagine what it is like to lose a child' and yes I can't imagine but this statement is not quite right, not for the believer anyway, for we know Austin is not lost .. he is in his Heavenly home enjoying the presence of His Lord forever. I do understand what you share about the physical evidence of his life lived at home slowly disappearing. I still have the photograph on my office pin board of your four,the order of service from the funeral and the little thank you note that Austin penned to me when he first became ill. I don't think they will come down off the wall as long as we live in this house for they are a constant reminder to me to value every single day I have with my children and to raise them all up to be fine young men and women who fervently love and desire to serve their Saviour as Austin did. I know people who have lost their children to this world and I sometimes wonder what they go through. They may see their children from time to time but not to have that hope of being reunited in Heaven should their earthly life end. That is something I could not bear. I never want to lose my children to this world. I don't want them to ever become prodigals so your words at the end spur me on ... 'seeking to continually fill our minds with truth, day after day - it really is the only way to keep moving forward.'
P.S I love that word Eternity. You should get Calvin or Fraser to research the story of Sydney's 'Mr Eternity' Arthur Stace. It is an incredible true story which will bless your hearts!

Debbie Harris said...

What a heart touching post Camille. Having never lost a child of mine to death,I cannot fully understand your heart ache. Though my heart is sad for you as mother. I can relate to Ann's comment though on having lost one of mine as a prodigal to this world. Oh the grieving of a mothers heart as I would watch for her return. It is true you see them from time to time, but with a piece of your heart missing.
The Lord is gracious though, and I am thankful for new growth sprouting in my daughters heart. Never give up, and never stop trusting that God can do great and mighty things!
May your heart be richly blessed and comforted by our loving God.
I'm thankful I came for a visit tonight,I needed it.
Joy! Debbie

Nikki said...

Thinking of you and praying for your family.

OurCrazyFarm said...

I wish I was close enough to give you a hug and remember with you over a cup of tea, Camille. The kids and I have been indulging in a "Bible Marathon" this week, and believe it or not, the minor prophets in the Old Testament are packed full of God's eternal promises. What a glorious day it is going to be, and this time will seem to short. The glory revealed is going to be less than nothing compared to this unrelenting ache of missing our sons.

Jennifer Jo said...

Tears.

Heather said...

No words, only weeping.
Terry read it too and welled up and said he feels he's grieving with you in this moment.
Prayer for even more tangible comfort for that raw ache, dear friend.

Sarah said...

The part where you wrote that you no longer sign his name on cards from your family...I never thought about things like that. Although we can't imagine your pain, keep writing these things for us to know...it helps those who have never walked this path understand in some very small way more what you are "working through". (I don't know if "working through" is what I mean...but you understand what I'm getting at.)

Camille said...

Dear Pam ~ You are a sweet encouragement...thank you for your kind words. The only way we can keep on moving forward is with the Lord...the only way. Hugs to you. :)

Dear Ann ~ Thank you for being a faithful friend and for keeping bits of our family in your home...you are a sweet blessing. You are right...we grieve with Hope...and, that truly is a great comfort. May the Lord give much grace to those He calls to the hard road you describe...He is Faithful. As long as there is breath, there is hope. The Lord does all things well. Hugs to you! :)

Dear Debbie ~ Truly, your grief is real...and the Lord walks this path with you. How precious it is to know that He will not leave us as His children...He is Faithful. May the Lord give you much grace and strength as you continually fill your mind with Truth...it is the only way forward. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with me here...I am praying for you today. Hugs. :)

Dear Nikki ~ What a precious blessing it is to know that the Lord's people are praying...thank you so much! Hugs to you. :)

Dear Terri ~ Thank you for taking the time to encourage my heart my friend...I know you know! Yes, a cup of tea would be lovely...perhaps one day? If not here...I know I will know you there!! You are right...Heaven will be more wonderful than we can imagine! God is so very, very Good. Hugs. :)

Dear Jennifer Jo ~ Hugs to you! :)

Dear Heather ~ How precious it is to have God's people come alongside us and encourage us along the way...thank you for your sweet friendship. Thank you for your prayers...they are a blessing to me. Hugs to you! :)

Dear Sarah ~ Yes, I do know what you mean...it is most certainly a process! Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement to keep on writing...that blessed my heart. I was just saying to my husband the other day...I wish I could still sign Austin's name...it really doesn't feel right not to. He still lives...just not here. Hugs to you! :)

With love,
Camille

Sandy said...

Dear Camille,
What a blessing to be able to dwell in God's Truth. Keeping our eyes on Jesus is the wise thing to do. Thanks for continuing to share your journey with us. Miss you, my friend! Hugs to you!!
In God's Grace,
Sandy

Laura said...

My Dearest Camille,
I once again find myself coming to your blog, meaning to stay a minute but staying much longer. I have become a puddle as I read your precious words. As I wipe away the tears, I realize what a gift the Lord has given you. Your ability to share in words what is in your heart, to make it alive in our hearts is profound.
As I began reading today's post, the tears and heartache grew but just as with the Psalms, you brought me through all the pain to the Victory in Christ! I know that the day is coming for each of us when we will rejoice with our dear Austin, in the presence of our Saviour. What a glorious hope we have. We have so much to move forward to!

Thank you for this gift you share.
I love you my precious other sister, and I REMEMBER.

Laura

Lisa said...

Oh sweet friend, you are always in our prayers. This post brought me to tears...tears for your sadness and tears for your joy. Thank you for baring your heart the way you do-it is a true gift to my soul! xoxo

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

This brings tears to my eyes. I so appreciate your honest grief and that you are sharing it with us so that people know it is OK to grieve. You are such an example as always. I'm praying for your hurting Mama's heart. May God continue to wrap His loving arms around you each and every moment. Love, Jackie

Camille said...

Dear Sandy ~ We miss you, too....let's connect soon! Hugs to you. :)

Dear Laura ~ You are precious, and I am thankful the Lord put you into our family (I know I was grafted in after you...but, you get my meaning I am sure). Thank you for your sweet words and for always being such a blessing...we love you! :)

Dear Lisa ~ You bless my heart. Thank you for your sweet friendship. :)

Dear Jackie ~ You are a sweet encouragement...thank you for your prayers and your kind words. The Lord is the only Way we can keep on keeping on...HE carries us! Hugs to you! :)

With love,
Camille

Donna said...

Precious Camille,
I know exactly how you feel :( I know one day we will be reunited but in the meantime it is so heart wrenching most days. I do try to keep busy and I know you do as well! This weekend with Mother's Day makes me sad to not have Amber here with us. I was looking for a birthday card the other day to send to someone and I looked thru cards the girls had given me from occasions in the past. The first one I grabbed was the last Mother's Day card from Amber in 2009. I just lost it :( I put it aside and I'm going to have it framed for my sewing room. It has spools of thread on the cover.
I love to wear what I can of Amber's clothes and it makes me happy! I know Austin would feel the same about his brothers doing the same and using his things.
I think of you daily and I'm sorry I haven't been blogging or even reading blogs. Health issues have been rough lately but God is Good!!
Hugs,
Donna

Anonymous said...

Dear Camille,

I can't begin to tell you how often I think of you and your family and pray for all of you! This post has me crying and longing for HEAVEN! What Joy to be reunited with our loved ones who have gone on before us.
Blessings to you!
Sue

Camille said...

Dear Donna ~ Thank you for adding your thoughts here my friend...I know you understand! Thank you for affirming that it is a good thing to have the boys wear Austin's things...that was a comfort to my heart to read. May the Lord continue to be your portion as you walk this road of grief...and may you know His loving hand upon you as you deal with your current health struggles. Praying for you today. Hugs! :)

Dear Sue ~ Thank you SO much! We are so thankful for friends like you. Yes, indeed...Heaven will be a place of grand reunions! How gracious and loving our Heavenly Father is!! Much love and hugs! :)

With Love,
Camille