May 31, 2014

Our Austin Lives

In the last few weeks I have been remembering 
Austin's last few weeks last year.  His last days here.
So many last things.  So many memories of the moments.
The last "good night".  The final "good morning".  

No good-bye.


So much blurs with the passage of time.
Memories fade and we cannot fully grasp the past.
So many details are lost in the events recalled.  We forget.
It hurts and is soothing at the very same time.
I do wish it wasn't like this.  

I want to feel it all.  And, yet, I don't.


~ Fraser, Austin, Emma, and Calvin 2004 ~

We were not the type of family that documented
every single thing in photos or video.  In my opinion, that is.
(That changed somewhat with the advent of this blog, thankfully.)
The main things ~ yes.  The everyday stuff ~ not so much.  

I had no idea how precious those things were.
How precious they would become.
We had captured enough.  Or, so I thought.  

~ Disney World 2008 ~

Now, part of me wishes that we had more.
More of the everyday.  More of the moments.
More of the life we lived.  More of everything.
But, it isn't possible.  We cannot go back.  

And now, so much is different.

On Austin's last day here, one year ago today,
we were rejoicing in his regained strength.  His regained weight.
In his ability to resume his studies.  In his strides forward.
The *old* Austin was emerging and it was wonderful.

We thought he was on the road to recovery.  
We fully expected it to happen.

The night before he was taken home to Heaven,
we had no idea that his life was ticking down in minutes and hours
rather than in months and years.  No idea at all.

~ Fraser, Emma, Austin, and Calvin May 2012 ~

I can still picture him, even now, sitting in the living room
on the couch with his computer in front of him and his notes beside him.
He was studying for a geography exam.  It was his most difficult course.
He expressed that to me as I worked just around the corner in the kitchen.

"Mum, this stuff is just so hard."
Perhaps it was so hard because he was so sick?  Perhaps.

He had such a strong constitution.  A determined spirit.
He amazed his doctors with all that he was able to do.
He shouldn't have been able to accomplish nearly all that he did.
Time and time again.  Until his last breath.  Until his last day.

We have lived through this past year in sorrow and in pain.

There have been moments of extreme sadness and grief.
Almost unbearable at times.  Overwhelmingly so.

But, then, we remember.  We must.

We remind ourselves of the wonderful hope we have in our Saviour.
His promise to come again and take us to be with Him.  Forever.
Continually filling our minds with truths like these is the only way forward.

~ Austin June 2012 ~

It is how we continue on.  What we cling to.  How we live.

It is the only reason we have survived this first year without our boy.
It is why we can still smile and rejoice.  Because of this hope.

Our Austin lives.  Truly and completely.  Better than us.
Soon, we will be taken home to heaven as well.
Very, very soon.  And, then...we will live.  Really live.

"But as touching the resurrection of the dead,

have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying,
I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob?
God is not the God of the dead, but of the living."  Matthew 22:31-32

What incredible words of comfort to our hearts.

Our God is the God of the living.  The living!
Praising Him this day for His grace and goodness.
Just as our Austin is doing even now.

With love,

Camille

19 comments:

Becky L. said...

Oh, sweet memories of Austin. The photos are great, thanks for sharing them and your thoughts. We always think after the fact, I should have. ?.....but we have memories and photos. May you continue to lean on the Lord in your down times....good times too. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds their wounds." Psalm 147:3 Hugs, prayers and love, my sweet sister in Christ.

Patty said...

Thinking of you and saying a prayer for you and your family. Yes, Heaven gets closer each day. It will be a great reunion! Until then ~ may God lead you and yours on the path He sets before you and the work He has created you to do! Many blessings!

OurCrazyFarm said...

Camille~ you are in my prayers today. Keep looking forward, not back or around, but forward to the day when you will see Jesus' face and He shows you that these trials really were less than nothing compared with the coming glory. Hugs to you on this hard day.

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

I have no words, but I do so wish I could just give you a great big hug. My mommy's heart hurts for you. I know God is getting you through, each day, even each moment. You're honesty and remembrance of Austin's last moments on this earth are so touching and I'm sure healing to those who are going through the same pain. Love and Blessings, my dear friend.

Pam Phelps said...

Camille,
I cry through most of these posts. I can't imagine having to go through each step of sorrow, mourning, loss that you have gone through. Your pictures are precious. I am so glad for the hope of Heaven. It does get more real to me every day. The light of Jesus shines through you and your family even through your sorrow.
Blessings,
Pam

Nikki said...

Camille,
We spent yesterday at church, on the road and off the computer but you were in my thoughts a lot as we drove along I prayed for you.....I know the days are not easy and I think the nights are probably long as well. So glad God gives grace for each tomorrow and that we can treasure the moments we do have with our families today......:) Thanks for sharing your everyday with us.

Barbara said...

praying for you and your precious family Camille, bless your dear heart and you have taken this with such grace from the lord. Be blessed and know you will see Austin again.

Tami said...

Dear Friend, I read this the other day when you posted it, but couldn't comment on my iPad. Oh how you and your family have been on my heart and in my prayers. Your posts make me cry, and I'm glad for that - I can't imagine being untouched by your words and the honesty and your hope in God that is woven into each and every one. You were on my heart especially yesterday. I love you, dear friend.

Love,
Tami

Sandy said...

Dear Camille,
Remembering you and your family on this day. We must look to the Lord because He is Good. Your words and faith encouraged me today.
With much love,
Sandy

Heather@Cultivated Lives said...

Been thinking about your family this weekend...

Dianna said...

Dearest Camille,
"And, then...we will live. Really live."...in these words of yours I find joy unspeakable. We have a good day here on this planet(which we mistakenly call 'home', for we are truly only pilgrims passing through)and call it 'living'. Yet we have NO idea of what living REALLY is until we will come face to face with HIM! Praying for you always, Camille. Your family has become so dear to me. Hugs to you, my sweet friend.

Jenn Bowers said...

The God of the living! What amazing promise! We know the hope we have and I love you my friend for how beautifully you express this. I am praying for you today! I know that God will breathe a fresh sense of His Presence into your very soul. It is 9:07am here... 6:07am your time. God will wake you up this morning with His Glory and Majesty making the words of LIFE that you wrote here so amazingly vivid to you! ♥

Camille said...

Dear Becky ~ Thank you so much my friend. You are a blessing to my heart. :)

Dear Patty ~ How wonderful to know that our Lord knows and is in complete and Sovereign control of all things! Hugs to you! :)

Dear Terri ~ Your words are beautiful...thank you so much! I know you know. :)

Dear Jackie ~ Love and blessings to you, my sweet friend. You are a lovely encouragement to my heart. :)

Dear Pam ~ Your words are a sweet encouragement. I appreciate your friendship. Hugs to you! :)

Dear Nikki ~ Thank you so much for praying for us. You are a sweet blessing to my heart. :)

Dear Barbara ~ Thank you for your words of encouragement. It is so wonderful to belong to our Great God, isn't it? :)

Dear Tami ~ It's so sweet of you to leave your words here...you are a blessing to me! Hugs to you across the miles. :)

Dear Sandy ~ You are an encouragement to me my friend...thank you! Hugs. :)

Dear Heather ~ You bless my heart. :)

Dear Dianna ~ Hugs to you! Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. :)

Dear Jenny ~ You are a sweet blessing to my heart...thank you so much for lifting us up in prayer. Our Great God is Faithful...He hears and answers. Hugs to you! :)

With Love,
Camille

PippaDavies said...

Aww Camille my heart grieves again with you as your one year memorial lives on in your words and lovely tribute to your boy. I know that none can describe what you have been through. Nothing could prepare you. But through this trial the Lord has been present in each of your blog posts. May you and your family be blessed! Praying for you all. Hugs!

Trisha said...

I love you, Camille.

Cinnamon said...

Camille,
"God is not the God of the dead, but of the living." Yes!! Clinging to HIS truths are the only way to defeat the overwhelming feelings that can drag us under.

I love seeing you talk about Austin and share what is in your heart here with us. Thank you for the privilege of being able to take part in your lives.

Your faith is a blessing to me.

"....Blessed are all that trust in him" Psalm 12

~Cinnamon

Camille said...

Dear Pippa ~ Thank you for your sweet words of encouragement...I appreciate you very much! Hugs to you. :)

Dear Trisha ~ I love you, too. :)

Dear Cinnamon ~ Thank you for entering in to these posts my friend...you bless my heart. Hugs to you. :)

Many Blessings,
Camille

Katy said...

Reading this, dear Camille, is enough to shatter any mother's heart....and yet, there is hope and you convey that beautifully. I cannot even fathom the depth of your hurt...truly, just the idea of it brings tears bubbling over. Thank you for sharing your heart ~ your pain as well as your hope in Christ.

Camille said...

Dear Katy ~ Thank you for your kind words here...it's lovely to have you visit. It has been the absolute worst thing we have ever had to face, but, the Lord is in it and is leading us through it. I am so thankful that you read it in that light. Truly, our Great God is Faithful and does all things well!! Hugs, Camille