August 9, 2013

The Only Way Forward ~ Ten Weeks

There are times when my breath catches in my throat ~
 it seems as though I may suffocate with the reality we are facing.
When I try to comprehend what it is that we've been called to,
 a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach rises up and threatens to overtake.

When the tears come, as they often do ~
it feels as though they might overwhelm me.
It's a difficult road we have been called to.  Almost crushing.

Austin's absence is felt.  

Keenly.  Everywhere. In everything.
We miss him so very, very much!  

Everything we do is shaded by the grief we are dealing with.

In the midst of this sorrow, however, there are happy times.  
It's the nature of life this side of eternity.
There is conflict in my soul over the reality of it.

How is it possible to be both happy and sad at 

almost precisely the same moment?
 It does seem to be contradictory.  But, it isn't.
It is who we are.  Who we are becoming. 

This journey is being used to shape us.  
We are among those who have tasted bitter sorrow and continue to live.
To experience both sadness and happiness 
in this way is not unusual.  We are not unique.

To accurately put it all into words, 

however, is impossible.

~ Calvin, Fraser and Austin circa 2003 ~

Tomorrow marks ten weeks since the LORD called our

precious Austin Home to Heaven.  

Ten Weeks.  Such a long time.  Such a short time.
There is still more to come.  Much more.
It can be crushing to think this through to its end.
Life without our Austin here can be unbearable to imagine.

But, then we remember.  

We reign ourselves in.  We must!

We remind ourselves of the LORD's promises.  
We remember that He is Faithful.  And, that He is Sovereign.
We remember that He is Good and Perfect.
And, that His ways are always best.

 He will never leave nor forsake His own.
His ways are right.  He carries His people through.
Moment by moment.  Day by day.  One step at a time.
He truly does all things well.

It is not blind faith to live like this.

Rather, it is the only way forward through this maze of grief.
We cannot comprehend walking this path without our Lord.
By God's great grace, we do not have to!
He is with us each step of the way.

And the waters will not overflow ~

It's one of His promises to His people.

 ~ Emma and Austin circa 2003 ~

Throughout these days, we seek to remind ourselves of Austin's gain.
His gain, rather than our loss.  Our loss is great.  But, his gain is greater.
He is experiencing many, many blessings ~ we try to keep our thoughts fixed there.
We focus on what is True.  We focus on Heaven and its reality.

We focus on the Lord and His Word.
We point one another continually to these precious things.

"Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, 

neither have entered into the heart of man,
the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him."
~ I Corinthians 2:9 ~

It's then that the comfort comes.  Only then.
It's then that the breathing becomes easier.  Only then.
It's then that my mind is calmed.  Only then.
Only when my eyes are focused on the Truth.

The reality that Austin continues to live ~ in Heaven rather than here.
The reality that Heaven really is our Home.
The reality that we will soon be there as well.
While I ponder these things, I am able to rejoice.

I can rejoice in the fact that Austin is now free.
Free from sin and death and suffering.
Free from this world and all its vices.
Free to worship unhindered.

Truly free!
One day, we will be set free as well.

This is not our home.  Heaven is.
May we live like it.  May we be patient for it.
May the Lord enable us to be useful while we remain here.
For HIS Glory.  By HIS Grace.  In HIS Strength.

With Love, Camille


Dianna said...

Camille, thank you so much for sharing your grieving heart here in the written space where letters make words and words convey to us the deep heartfelt emotions that you are going through...dealing with...and rising once again with your focus on Jesus. You are a precious Sister in the Lord to me!

Michelle said...

Your faith in this time in your life is truly a ministry to my soul. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Wanting What I Have said...

I ache for you. I cannot imagine. You are all so dear. And I cannot believe tomorrow marks ten weeks. Oh I pray He gives you an extra measure of grace with one you grieve and live and cry and smile. As the weeks become months...He will carry you. Thank you for fleshing out your faith. I love you and am so thankful for you!!!

Angela said...

Dear Camille,

Thank you for your honest words - words based in reality of living in this world and the hope of the next. It's a great reminder to continue in prayer for you and your family. May God be very near to your mother heart and bless you and your family. May he give you strength day by day to keep your eyes on Him.

Grandmabeckyl.blogspot said...

Oh dear friend, thanks for sharing your heart. oh the pain of the loss but the promise of heaven!

We experienced a beautiful sunset sky this evening on our walk. Sky was turning pink and there in the next opening of the trees was this beautiful rainbow! Oh it was so pretty that I just stopped and took it in. It was bright then the rainbow slowly faded! Oh God's beauty here on earth and His promise He made to Noah that when He looked down on the earth and saw the rainbow, that he'd set in the clouds, that He'd remember the promise that man would never be destroyed again by flood waters (Genesis 9:8-17).We can remember God as the one who is faithful and who has an awesome creation. It was so beautiful it just thrilled my heart to see it! It felt like God hugged me then! I wish you could have seen it, my friend! Hugs! Prayers!

Jill said...

Hugs.....thinking of you always....


Farmgirl said...

Praying my friend...
love you!

Heather@Cultivated Lives said...

Camille, continuing to pray for your family. Thinking about his GAIN is a powerful thing to think about. I was struck by that this weekend as one of my biggest fears is dying and leaving my children w/out a mother. And yet this weekend, God spoke so clearly to my heart that He holds all together, He gives peace where peace is needed, provision always and ultimately we all GAIN.

I'm so thankful that we don't have to walk through the trials in life alone.

Cinnamon said...

I love what you said "focusing on the truth" oh how that brings healing when we focus on God's word. Such wisdom in those words.

My heart aches with yours when I read your words and pray for you. I know there is healing, in time. Grieving for now, rejoicing for him, struggling to look forward....all by God's grace.

{hugs} ~Cinnamon

Heather said...

Lovely friend... remembering the Truth... that he lives and you'll be with him... wow! Sooo thankful you have that assurance. Praying the next ten weeks is more bearable and comforting, although I know you've felt the Lord's comfort. Just want it to be easier for you (I'll bet you want the memories close and not want it to be so easy it seems distant--so many varying emotions, I'm sure).
May our great God hug you tightly tonight, my friend.

Patty said...

Camille, there is a song that I am reminded of that I thought you might enjoy. You may already have it. It is called "When Love Was Slain" sung by Selah. You can find it here on youtube ~ It emphasizes what you said ~ "This is not our home. Heaven is."

Thank you for your sweet, honest spirit. May God give continual comfort and peace each step of each day.

~marci~ said...

Prayers for your family continue. You are such a precious bloggy friend. Your words strengthen and empower my walk with Jesus.

Camille said...

Dianna ~ You are a precious sister in the LORD to me! Thank you for your sweet friendship. :)

Michelle ~ Thank you for praying for bless my heart! :)

Jennifer ~ I love you and I am thankful for you as well my friend! :)

Angela ~ Thank you for the kind reminder to keep our eyes fixed on our Precious Saviour. I appreciate you! :)

Becky ~ Yes, HE truly is Faithful! Thank you for reminding me of this Truth my friend. Hugs to you! :)

Jill ~ Hugs to you my friend. Thank you for thinking of us and caring for us. :)

Heather (Farmgirl) ~ Love you, too! Hugs my friend. :)

Heather in AZ ~ Oh, how true it is...we do not have to walk the path He calls each of us to precious it is! Hugs to you! :)

Cinnamon ~ Yes my friend...yes...all by HIS grace alone! Thank you for encouraging my heart. Hugs! :)

Heather in Canada ~ Thank you my sweet friend. Thank you! :)

Patty ~ I hadn't heard that song before...thank you for sharing. It brought tears to my eyes (as most songs do these days...especially if they are about Heaven). I appreciate your kind friendship. :)

Marci ~ What a blessing to my heart your words are! Thank you for praying! Hugs to you. :)

With love,

Unknown said...

Camille, thank you for sharing your heart. I can't even imagine the sorrow you and your family are facing. But, I can tell you that your words here bring such light and encouragement.

Camille said...

Jenn ~ I am so thankful that you are encouraged blesses my heart to know that you are! May the LORD be glorified in all we do and say...HE alone is worthy! Love you! Camille