Bigger than Fear

It was shortly before Austin's 17th birthday when

we found ourselves at Children's Hospital in the ICU.

He had been admitted for one malady which very quickly took

a backseat to a much more serious one.

During that hospital stay, 
our Austin was diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy 
which had not previously been on anyone's radar.

DCM, as it is commonly referred to,

is a life-threatening condition.  Austin was given a little booklet

to read in an attempt to inform him of his new diagnosis.

He was too weak to read.  So, he left it.

When I had a moment, I picked it up and read it through.

Austin asked me to give him the run down.  I didn't want to.  Not then.

I told him that I wanted to wait until he was out of ICU.

But, he insisted on knowing what he was up against.

I resisted.  But, he pushed me for a brief synopsis.

He really wanted to know.

It was grim and I didn't want to upset him unnecessarily.
The statistics for DCM were grave.  One third of children

diagnosed with the condition die, one third live with
impaired heart function, and one third fully recover.

I told him the potential was that he could die.  
He replied after only a moment..."That was blunt!"
And then, after a pause and thoughtful consideration,
"But, I'm not afraid to die, because I know where I am going".

It was a profound moment we shared.
He and I were alone and it was precious to witness his response.
Austin had looked death squarely in the face and was able,
as evidenced by his bold declaration, to prove his faith was bigger than fear.

From that moment on, he had a boldness in his witness 
for the Lord and all that He has done for His people which warmed my heart.
He was able to testify that we serve a good and gracious Saviour
Who does all things well and without mistake.

It was incredibly encouraging to us as his parents.
It was clear where he stood and in Whom he had put his trust.

Austin was well aware of the situation he was in.
However, he sought to live life to its fullest in spite of it.
By God's great grace, he knew what was most important and lived accordingly.
         It is how we all ought to live.  It is something we all ought to consider. 

Eternal focus has a way of clearing out clutter.
All that really matters is all that is left.
 
We have many happy memories of our precious son.
This particular memory is one that I hold dear to my heart.
We really didn't believe that Austin would fall into the one third
category of children who eventually die from DCM.

The Lord graciously gave us just over 14 months more with our son
after his diagnosis.  For that, and many other mercies, we are thankful.
One day, the Lord will cause us to know all that we need to about these things.
Until then, we trust in His perfect and sovereign plan for us all.

It is a blessing to rest our hearts in His good purposes.
It is truly a wonderful thing to belong to Him.

Are you the Lord's?  Do you have the confidence in your future that our Austin had?
It is only possible through the Lord Jesus Christ and His finished work.
The assurance of salvation is available to all who come ~ see John 6:37.

There is nothing more precious than trusting in the Saviour, 
and knowing that you belong to Him.  There is a wonderful peace
that comes with knowing where you will be for all eternity.
 Look to Him and live!

With Love,
Camille

**The first photo in this post is from the hospital stay when we first learned
of Austin's DCM diagnosis.  He was out of ICU and upstairs.

**The second photo is from Austin's last birthday card ~
the verses written there were such a comfort to his heart, and to ours.

Our Austin

In the summer of 1994, we learned that we were expecting.

Howie and I had been married just three years ~
we couldn't have been more thrilled at the prospect of becoming parents.

Austin would be welcomed into our hearts and home as our first child.  
In those days, we didn't find out if we were having a boy or girl.

We wanted to be surprised.

The nine months of pregnancy were uneventful.

I felt well and was able to function normally.  It was such a blessing.

We expected our baby to be healthy ~ there was nothing to indicate otherwise.

Austin was born on April 8, 1995 ~ he weighed in at 8 lbs 13 oz.

At the follow up appointments at the doctor's office,

however, it became apparent that he was not thriving.

He had trouble gaining weight.

When he was six weeks old, it was discovered that he had 
been born with a very large hole in his heart ~ a VSD.

Practically no septum existed between the lower two chambers of his heart.
He would need open heart surgery to do the repair.  A patch was required.

However, the surgery was not to take place until the 
beginning signs of heart failure were apparent.  It took nearly a year.
For the entire first year of his life, we were seen frequently
by specialists at Children's Hospital and in a pediatrician's office.
He was monitored closely and cared for diligently.  We were thankful.



Austin had open heart surgery on April 15, 1996 ~ 
He was one year and one week old.

We prayed.  People around the world prayed as well.  The Lord sustained us all.
The work was done and the healing began.  How relieved we were!
Austin had a muscle bundle in the area of the patch that occasionally caused 
the electrical impulses to be interrupted.  He would need a pacemaker.

Again, we prayed.  Again, the Lord's people prayed.
And, once again, Austin was sustained.  The pacemaker was not required.
Or, so it was thought.



Many years passed.  Many follow-up visits to the heart clinic were logged.
Again and again, he was sent home with a relatively clean bill of health.
He was not to be treated specially.  He was allowed to exercise without restriction.
And, he did.  He played hockey, ran, rode his bike and swam.  He was active.

When he was fifteen, he began to show signs of Crohn's Disease.
The focus shifted from his heart to Crohn's.  And, rightly so.
However, approximately a year prior to the digestive issues manifesting,
his heart was beginning to fail.  We had no idea.  None at all.

To look back on that now can be devastating ~ humanly speaking. 
However, God's ways truly are higher than ours.  
We rest in His Sovereign purposes.  His perfect plan.

While Crohn's was being dealt with, the heart grew worse.
Much worse.  Critically so.  And, then, we ended up in ICU at Children's 
just prior to Austin's 17th birthday.  He was diagnosed with DCM. 
It was a dire situation.  And, it hit us like a tonne of bricks.
We were reeling, but, the Lord in His mercy and grace caught us and carried us.

Austin recovered steadily on the outside.  Things were looking good.
However, his heart made no great strides forward toward recovery.
It was too sick and too enlarged.  He needed a pacemaker.
God provided, and he was given a pacemaker in December 2012.
The hope was that it would help his heart to recover some of its function.
It was not to be.  It was not in the Lord's perfect plan.

The Lord took our Austin Home to Heaven on June 1, 2013.



We know that our God is great and does all things well.
His promises are sure and true.  We love His Word.  
It is such a comfort to our grieving hearts.
Only in eternity will we fully understand the whys behind this story.
However, it is not something we must know now.

"...the LORD gave and the LORD hath taken away;
blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21b

"...shall we receive good at the hand of God, 
and shall we not receive evil?" Job 2:10b

"But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay,
and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand." Isaiah 64:8

Our greatest desire for each of our children is that they would
 surrender their lives to the Lord Jesus Christ.  That He would be their Saviour.
There is nothing more important to us as parents than to know that they 
will go to be with Him when they die.  This is Austin's reality at this very moment.
His testimony was clear.  He was trusting his never dying soul to his Saviour's care.

He is worshiping the Lord in Heaven.  Perfectly.  Without hindrance.
One day, because of God's mercy and grace extended to us through the blood of 
the Lord Jesus Christ, we will be called Home to Heaven as well.

At the end of it all, this is all that really matters.
How precious it is to follow our Saviour and rest in His promises.
Austin's favourite Bible verse is such a comfort to the seeking soul ~

"All that the Father giveth me shall come to me;
and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out."  John 6:37

Our Great God is Faithful and will always honour the promises He makes.
The message of our Austin's life is this ~ be ready for eternity.
None of us knows when we will be called out of this world and into the next.
The time is now to come to the Lord.  He is merciful.  He will save.

The Lord Jesus said ~ "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, 
and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; 
for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

With Love,
Camille

**Originally published on my blog as a supplement page ~
It was first published in the Fall of 2014.

Two Days Shy

Early tomorrow morning, two days shy of the first anniversary of

our Austin's home-going to Heaven, his three younger siblings 
plan to go to the heart clinic with their Dad(dy).  They each have appointments.
It's the very same heart clinic where we last were with Austin.  Where we often were. 
The Lord-willing, they will be seeing one of Austin's doctors.

I didn't want to be the one to take the children.  
It feels too soon.  It's still too raw.  Perhaps it always will be.
My heart skips a beat just thinking about it.

So, Howie agreed to go.  And, his heart skips a beat, too.

Because Austin had DCM, we are having all our children examined.

It is something we were advised to do.  We have no reason to believe

that any of our other three have hidden heart troubles.  None at all.

But, there is always a chance that this type of thing can be genetic.

So, they are being checked.

As Howie and I chatted about these things last night, we shared some tears.  

And, we both had to remind ourselves once again of the bigger picture.
No matter what the Lord calls us to, He will see us through.
We know this to be absolutely true.  We have witnessed it first hand.  

The grace we need will be provided.  His provisions are never late.

The Lord is the first cause.  In everything.  Always.

And, because He is, we really have no reason to worry or to harbour fears.

We can trust Him and rest in Him.  In His perfect plan.

So, we reigned our hearts in, and we prayed.

This renewing of our minds is a constant battle.
However, it is one worth fighting.  So we fight and we stand.
On the sure foundation on which our lives are built ~ on the Solid Rock.
How precious it is to rest in the Sovereignty of our Great God.
Lasting peace and comfort may be found in Him.  Only in Him.

"My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart,
and my portion forever."  Psalm 73:26

Many Blessings,
Camille

**11AM UPDATE: All is well.  And, the Lord is always good.
Even when the news is not.  Yes, even then.
Thank you so much for your love and prayers ~ y'all bless our hearts.

An Amputation

The best way to describe what it feels like without

Austin here with us is this ~ it's like we've suffered an amputation.

None of us has lost a limb, so I cannot say if this is an accurate analogy.

But, if we could imagine what it would be like to lose

an arm or a leg, it may feel something like this.

His absence has left a hole in our family.

  

We are used to being in constant contact with each other

in the comings and goings of day to day life and living.

We've never been away from our children for very long.

Howie's longest separation from us was on a business trip ~

he was away for eleven days.

I had the opportunity to go to Wales to help our precious

Uncle die at home ~ I was gone for two weeks.

Austin's been in Heaven now for over five weeks.

Oh, how desperately we miss him.

It hurts.  We can easily be brought to tears.

Without warning, the sadness wells up inside and spills out.

Yes, life goes on.  But, Austin's absence is felt.  Keenly.

In the empty bedroom.  The empty desk.

The empty place at the table and in the van.

In my counting out five, not six, place settings.

In evening devotional times, and when Fraser plays the piano ~ alone.

In the violin sitting silent in its case, and the music on the stand unplayed.

I am missing...

Hearing his voice and feeling his hug.

Passing him on the stairs or in the hallway.

Seeing him drive up the street with a wave and smile.

Hearing him say ~ "Good Night", or "Good Morning".

I miss the connection with him in the sense of humour we shared.

I miss the thoughtful things he would say or do.
His quiet presence was precious.  I didn't realise just how much.

In all these ways, and so many, many more ~ 
he is missed.  Terribly.

~ L to R: Austin (9), Emma (2), Calvin (7), Fraser (5) ~

But, God is Greater than our grief.

He is Greater than our sorrow and even our loss.

He meets us in this journey and walks the path with us.  He goes before us.

Our loss is only temporary.  Our loss is Austin's gain.  He lives.

And, one day we will join him in Heaven to worship our Saviour forever.

Eternity is real and everlasting.  Time is temporary.

This separation is for such a short while, in reality.

Oh, that we would have eyes to see

and hearts to truly believe and comprehend these things.

By God's great and merciful grace, we do.  We will.

We must continually remind ourselves that

though we miss our Austin, he is not missing us.

He is HOME.  And, he is rejoicing.

One day, the LORD will take us Home as well.

Heaven is more glorious than we can imagine.

And best of all, the Lord Jesus is there.

"...Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man,

the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."

~ I Corinthians 2:9 ~

How precious it is to know that the LORD has Austin with Him,
and that he is well and free from pain and suffering and sin.

He is praising the God he loves.

These thoughts ease some of the pain of this separation.

It is a comfort to our hearts.

And so we continue on.

Moment by moment.  Step by step. With the LORD.

It's what we are called to do.  By HIS Grace.

Many Blessings,
Camille

Nearly a Year Ago

Nearly a year ago, I wrote this post.
At that time we thought our troubles with Austin 
were a thing of the past.  We were wrong.

It turned out to be a beautiful reprieve in the midst of the trial.
We must remind ourselves that Austin's healing is complete ~ he is well.
It was God's plan all along to heal him ~ just not here.
Oh, how I thought it was going to be here!
My heart aches with the reality that we now face.

Through it all, however, I still believe that God is Good.  Always.

I still believe that He does all things well.  Always.

I still believe that He is in complete control.  Of all things.
Even when the *unthinkable* happens.  Yes, even then.

~ L to R: Emma, Calvin and Fraser at Austin's grave ~

Why did things change for the better, and then end like this?

Why did the LORD call our son home to Heaven?

Because His ways are higher than ours.

And, the way He accomplishes His plans sometimes is mysterious.

But, that does not make Him any less Good.

Any less in control.  Any less than Perfect.

Not at all.

We just look through a glass darkly.

We see things through finite minds.

We are limited on this side of eternity.

But, God is not limited.

He sees perfectly.  He acts perfectly.
He does all things well.

And, He cares when we hurt.

Yes, we hurt.  But, He is meeting us in this pain.

And He is carrying and providing and giving grace.

Moment by moment.  

~ L to R: Fraser (3), Emma (6 mths), Austin (7) and Calvin (5) ~

Today I give thanks.  To the Giver of Life.

Our Great God is worthy of all praise.

For all eternity we will praise Him.  Austin is praising Him at this very moment.

May He help us to do so as well, even in the midst of pain of suffering

on this side of eternity ~ in the here and now.  

On this day, I am thankful for these mercies...

 Austin died at home ~ peacefully in his sleep.

He'd had a good night and was looking forward to the day.

The *little black box* in his pacemaker that told us what happened.

It would have been a pain-free passing ~ how that comforts my Mama heart!
And God, in His mercy, allowed me to have one last moment with him that morning.

He was not in the hospital and never had been hospitalised for Crohn's.

We had an extra 14 months with him ~ two or three of which he felt really well.

He was beginning to play his violin again and create music with Fraser ~

I am so grateful that I recorded some of those moments on video.

He took Emma along to the library and on errands a few times in his last month.

We were able to go to the park together and watch him send up a rocket ~ twice.

Cousins had been over to visit recently, not knowing what was to happen.
Grandparents each had their last visit with Austin recently as well.
We have many, many memories of our precious son.
And, I had taken many photos of life as it happened.

Austin's testimony was clear and his faith strong.
He loved his Saviour and grew spiritually through his struggles.
Mercifully, we didn't focus during this last year on the possibility of an early death.
Rather, we lived, as much as we were able to, in the moment.
And, we enjoyed life together.

The day prior to Austin's home-going he was studying for an exam.
He was living life, too.
He had planned to re-connect with a childhood friend on that Saturday.
I remember hearing Austin chat on the phone with that particular friend 
as they caught up with one another ~ it was SO wonderful to listen to 
Austin's side of the conversation and piece it together ~ JOY!

I am thankful for the many memories we have to cherish.
Austin in his Uncle's Canadian Airlines uniform ~ 
he was approximately six years old.

The boys in the dressing room getting ready to play some hockey.

L to R: Austin (11), Fraser (7), Calvin (9)

Austin and Fraser playing at their cousin Kristy's wedding

in May 2012 ~ Austin was 17 and Fraser was nearly 13.

Last Summer on my birthday ~

We thought Austin had turned the corner for good.

Oh, how thankful I am for those precious, precious days!

So, yes.  God is Good.  Always.

He gives grace and strength and peace and comfort.

And, when there are no answers we trust and we rest.

In HIM.  In HIS perfect plan.  In HIS Sovereignty.

All is a gift from His hand.  Everything.  

Many Blessings, Camille

Carried

It's happened twice ~ this feeling of being carried.

When Austin had open heart surgery as a baby, and now.

It's precious to belong to the Family of our Great God.

He sustains.  He carries.  He keeps.

It's all of Him.  He is so good and kind and gentle.

We are blessed beyond measure.

In the past four weeks we have seen the hand of God in our lives.
We have been encouraged by HIS grace.  HIS mercies.  HIS peace.
Oh, there have been moments of sheer terror at the thought
of going on without our precious Austin living here with us.
There have been tears like never before.
Deep anguish that seems like it will overtake.

But, God meets us in our pain.
He encourages through HIS Word and prayer.
And, He sends people to be His hands and feet to us.
We have been carried in so many ways.

I cannot begin to tell you how precious it is.
To belong to HIS wonderful family is overwhelmingly amazing.
We praise Him for His hand upon us in this fierce storm.
He truly does carry and keep and provide.
He does all things well.

I cannot help but think of all that Austin has gained.
He has seen his Saviour face to face.
He has been worshipping Him in perfection for nearly a month.
He does not struggle with self or sin or the evil one any longer.
He is free from pain and suffering.
And, he is rejoicing with the blood bought saints who have gone on before.
Spurgeon, Uncle Johnny, Abraham, Joseph and so many more ~
They all are there together praising our precious LORD.

What a thought!

What more could a Mama want for her child?

In my flesh, I want him here.  With me.  With us.
But, God in His wise purposes has chosen a different path.
And, we must see that it is best.  It is painful, but, it is best.
Only the LORD can give this perspective.
It does not come naturally.  Not at all.

And, it is not easy.

How are we handling these realities?
Moment by moment.  Step by step.  Day by day.
One foot in front of the other.  With HIM.
It's the only way.  There really is no other option.

I continually have to reign in my thoughts.
I am not to imagine the future without Austin here with us.
Because the future here is not mine yet.  I don't own it.
I don't own my next breath ~ God does.
But, in this moment.  There is grace.  There is strength.
It's found in Christ Alone.  Only in Him.

We as Christians are promised a future with our Great God.
Austin has just gone ahead of us.  He lives because HE lives!
As my brother in law said at the memorial service ~
Austin just has had a change of address.
We will go to him one day because we will go to our LORD.
And, we will be together forever worshipping our Great Saviour
for all eternity.  It's a glorious thought!

There are currently three *must have* books on my list for the Christian.
If you do not have these books, might I humbly suggest
that you get your hands on a copy of each one?
The first is the Bible.  The Word of God.  It's our food.  We starve without it.
The second is CH Spurgeon's "Morning and Evening" ~ so rich.  So encouraging.

And, the third?  I've been reading it for the past year off and on.
It's the type of book you could read and read and read again.
So full of Truth and faith building words....really, it's a gem.
"Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges is the book I'm speaking of.
Please get your hands on a copy.  Please read it and drink it in.
It will fortify your soul and encourage your heart.



We all have struggles and trials to face at one time or another.
It's the nature of this life here on this earth.
How can we use these things to the strengthening of our character
and the deepening of our walk with God?
We must go through the valley with Him ~ praying each step
of the way that we would learn what He is seeking to teach.
We must seek Him for strength and grace to trust
Him even when we don't understand and to glorify Him in the midst of it all.

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name;

thou art mine.  When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee;

and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee:

when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned;

neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour."

~ Isaiah 43;1b-3a ~

HE is Faithful.  HE will walk the path with us.
And, no...the waters will not overflow.  The flame will not kindle upon us.
It's His promise to His people.  I can testify that it is true.

Much Love,
Camille

With the LORD ~ Final Update

*UPDATE* ~ Austin's memorial is scheduled for Monday, June 10, 2013 ~
Please email Camille at flowersinhisgarden@gmail.com 
if you are in our area and would like to attend.

"...The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away;

blessed be the name of the LORD."  ~ Job 1:21b ~

Suddenly, and without warning, our precious Austin

was taken to be with his Saviour yesterday morning ~ June 1, 2013 

sometime between 9:45 and 10:45am peacefully in his sleep.

I had spoken with him at 9:45 and returned to his room to wake

him for the day at 10:45 when I found him unresponsive.

He had tucked himself in and appeared to be asleep ~ peaceful.

It has been determined that his heart went into ventricular fibrillation

and was unable to recover with the shocks delivered by the internal defibrillator.

Apparently, he would have passed out from the 

fibrillation and passed away shortly thereafter.

It does not seem real.  I write this from a broken heart.

I had told Austin he was to bury me ~ it was not to be the other way around.

But, our Great God had other plans ~ better and wiser ones.

Austin suffered most often in gracious silence the last three years of his life 

with rarely a complaint ~ he just was not a complainer.  

He was always easy-going and found joy in the little things.

The LORD has delivered him from his pain and suffering.

He is with the Lord Jesus Christ in glory ~ praising the Saviour he loved!

He would not want to come back.

But, oh, how I want him back!

For just one more hug, one more smile, one more laugh.

To see him and hear him and touch him ~ my first baby.

But, this is not what is best.  God truly does what is best.

His ways are perfect.  He always does all things well.

We must continually speak Truth to ourselves.

We must fill our minds with Truth.  God's Word is Truth.

It is living and powerful and is our sustenance in times like these.

Each day is a gift.  Each moment is precious.

God graciously gave us extra time with our Austin.  

Humanly and medically speaking, he should have died last spring

when he was first diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy.

But, God saw fit to restore him to health and life for a few months.

It was a gift that I will always cherish.  From the hand of a Loving God.

May we never charge Him foolishly.  

May He be glorified in all we do and say and think.

May He continue to daily give grace to live for Him.

We cannot take this journey alone ~ and, we are not called to.
He walks this path with us.  The waters will not overflow.

In Austin's Birthday card this year, 

the verses we shared with him were these ~

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name;

thou art mine.  When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee;

and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee:

when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned;

neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour."

~ Isaiah 43;1b-3a ~

These promises are real and true.  

They will stand sure until the end of time.

We have every confidence that we will one day see our

precious Austin again.  In Heaven.  Forever.  With the LORD.

Thank you for walking this journey with us.

Thank you for supporting us in the myriad of ways that you have.

We appreciate each and every one of you.

Keeping our eyes fixed by His grace alone ~

And with Much Love,

Camille

**The photo in this post was taken in the Fall of 2011 ~
It's a favourite photo of Austin when he looked most himself.

**Please know that your thoughts shared and comments made
will be cherished by each one of us ~
I will, however, be unable to reply at this time.
We will have to be absent from this space for the next while ~
Thank you for your gracious understanding.
Please pray that we would remain steadfast in HIM.

**If you are not sure where you will spend eternity,
please click here and prayerfully consider your never dying soul.

Update ~ Howie posted on his blog in his own words as a Dad.
If you would like to read what he wrote, please click here.