Missing Austin ~ 3.5 Years

We miss our Austin.  No one and nothing will alter that fact.

We will miss him until we are reunited in Heaven.

It's been three and a half years since the Lord called him Home.

It hardly seems possible that we have been physically separated that long.

Sometimes it seems longer and at other times, shorter.

It's a difficult thing to process and to explain.

We continue to talk to ourselves and fill up our hearts with truth.

The truth of where he is and what he is experiencing.

The Bible tells us that we cannot even imagine how amazing it is!

We are so happy for our son.  We are thankful for the reality that is his.

But, we miss having him here with us.  

His smile, his presence, his voice.

Our other three are growing up and catching up.

Both Calvin and Fraser have passed Austin in height.

It's a bittersweet thing to witness the two boys together

without their big brother in the mix.  It hurts.

Emma is becoming a woman.  She was a still a girl
when her big brother was called home to Heaven.

The rawness of the grief is gone.  The sting of it has dulled.
In its place is an undercurrent of reflective sadness mingled with expectant hope.
We are altered because of the experience.  We trust it has been for the good.
It has made us slow down more and take stock more and be still more.

Things and stuff and experiences matter less.  People matter more.
Eternal things matter most.  So, we seek to share the good news of
our Saviour to all who will listen as the opportunities arise.



The days and moments we are given are gifts.
What we do with our time here matters.
Before long, our life here will be complete.
And in the end, the eternal things will be all that remain.



So, we reflect and we remember.  And, we press on.
We put one foot in front of the other ~ step by step, we move forward.
We carry precious memories with us.  And, we make new ones.
God is faithful to carry us and to give all that we stand in need of.

We serve the same great God our Austin serves.
We seek to praise Him as our Austin is continually doing.
One day, our journey here will be done,
and the Lord will call us home to Heaven, too.

Until then, we are seeking to follow wherever He leads.
And, to serve our Saviour as long as He has us here.
By His grace and for His glory.  Alone.

With Love,
Camille

**All images in this post are from Austin's little years.

Bigger than Fear

It was shortly before Austin's 17th birthday when

we found ourselves at Children's Hospital in the ICU.

He had been admitted for one malady which very quickly took

a backseat to a much more serious one.

During that hospital stay, 
our Austin was diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy 
which had not previously been on anyone's radar.

DCM, as it is commonly referred to,

is a life-threatening condition.  Austin was given a little booklet

to read in an attempt to inform him of his new diagnosis.

He was too weak to read.  So, he left it.

When I had a moment, I picked it up and read it through.

Austin asked me to give him the run down.  I didn't want to.  Not then.

I told him that I wanted to wait until he was out of ICU.

But, he insisted on knowing what he was up against.

I resisted.  But, he pushed me for a brief synopsis.

He really wanted to know.

It was grim and I didn't want to upset him unnecessarily.
The statistics for DCM were grave.  One third of children

diagnosed with the condition die, one third live with
impaired heart function, and one third fully recover.

I told him the potential was that he could die.  
He replied after only a moment..."That was blunt!"
And then, after a pause and thoughtful consideration,
"But, I'm not afraid to die, because I know where I am going".

It was a profound moment we shared.
He and I were alone and it was precious to witness his response.
Austin had looked death squarely in the face and was able,
as evidenced by his bold declaration, to prove his faith was bigger than fear.

From that moment on, he had a boldness in his witness 
for the Lord and all that He has done for His people which warmed my heart.
He was able to testify that we serve a good and gracious Saviour
Who does all things well and without mistake.

It was incredibly encouraging to us as his parents.
It was clear where he stood and in Whom he had put his trust.

Austin was well aware of the situation he was in.
However, he sought to live life to its fullest in spite of it.
By God's great grace, he knew what was most important and lived accordingly.
         It is how we all ought to live.  It is something we all ought to consider. 

Eternal focus has a way of clearing out clutter.
All that really matters is all that is left.
 
We have many happy memories of our precious son.
This particular memory is one that I hold dear to my heart.
We really didn't believe that Austin would fall into the one third
category of children who eventually die from DCM.

The Lord graciously gave us just over 14 months more with our son
after his diagnosis.  For that, and many other mercies, we are thankful.
One day, the Lord will cause us to know all that we need to about these things.
Until then, we trust in His perfect and sovereign plan for us all.

It is a blessing to rest our hearts in His good purposes.
It is truly a wonderful thing to belong to Him.

Are you the Lord's?  Do you have the confidence in your future that our Austin had?
It is only possible through the Lord Jesus Christ and His finished work.
The assurance of salvation is available to all who come ~ see John 6:37.

There is nothing more precious than trusting in the Saviour, 
and knowing that you belong to Him.  There is a wonderful peace
that comes with knowing where you will be for all eternity.
 Look to Him and live!

With Love,
Camille

**The first photo in this post is from the hospital stay when we first learned
of Austin's DCM diagnosis.  He was out of ICU and upstairs.

**The second photo is from Austin's last birthday card ~
the verses written there were such a comfort to his heart, and to ours.

Flashback Friday ~ The Boys' Bears

Our three boys each had a special bear when they were little.

Security blankets, if you will.  They went with them everywhere.

The bears were brought along to church in the hopes of getting the boys to sit quietly

during the preaching part of the service.  Those bears were snuggled with at bedtime.

  

Periodically, they required a washing and were subsequently hung out to dry.

On one such occasion, I snapped a photo.  I didn't fully realise at the time 

how precious it would become.  But, precious it most certainly is!

L to R: Fraser's "Bear", Austin's "Teddy", 
and Calvin's "Pooky" ~ Spring 2000.

Calvin, Fraser, and Austin ~ Summer 2000.

As the years passed, each of the boys gave up their bears.

One by one, they were tucked away for safe keeping.

Before we were really ready for it, our little men grew up.

These days, we are treasuring up the old memories
as we seek to treasure up the new.
And, God is good.  All the time.

Happy Friday!

With Love, Camille

Twenty-One Years Ago...

Twenty-one years ago, our Austin took us from *couple* to

*family-of-three*.  He stole our hearts and wound his way into our lives.

We would never be the same.  And, we were never happier not to be.

Since he was called home to heaven nearly three years ago,

his birthday is the most significant of all the dates that need acknowledgment.

We cannot let the day pass without remembering his life and what it means to ours.

We make it a practice to remember him on this day as a family.

It feels like the right thing to do, so, it is what we do.

All our children are special.  None of them are forgotten.

Austin is no exception.    

We are amazed at all the Lord allowed us to experience

together as a family of six.  We look back with thankful hearts.

Austin was planning to become an architect.

We loved to watch as he put pencil to paper.
God had blessed him with talents that could not be taught.

He was a diligent student and persevered with his

studies even in the midst of the health challenges he faced.
His strength of character was never more evident than in those times.
But, he would have told you that the strength we saw came from the Lord. 

When I take photos of the three we have here

with us, I always miss Austin's presence with them.
It hurts my Mama heart that he is absent from our home.
He is never far from our thoughts.  His memory lives on in our hearts.

Family photos just do not feel complete.

He is missed by us all.  Excruciatingly so.

One day, however, we will be together once again.

What a precious hope we have because of our Lord!

By God's great grace, we continually fill our hearts and minds

with the reality of what lies ahead.  What is to come. 

This is not where the story ends.

So, we remember.  And, we are grateful.

We also look forward with anticipation and joy.

The Lord truly is good and does all things well.

We are seeking always to rest our hearts in Him.

With Love, Camille

Our Austin

In the summer of 1994, we learned that we were expecting.

Howie and I had been married just three years ~
we couldn't have been more thrilled at the prospect of becoming parents.

Austin would be welcomed into our hearts and home as our first child.  
In those days, we didn't find out if we were having a boy or girl.

We wanted to be surprised.

The nine months of pregnancy were uneventful.

I felt well and was able to function normally.  It was such a blessing.

We expected our baby to be healthy ~ there was nothing to indicate otherwise.

Austin was born on April 8, 1995 ~ he weighed in at 8 lbs 13 oz.

At the follow up appointments at the doctor's office,

however, it became apparent that he was not thriving.

He had trouble gaining weight.

When he was six weeks old, it was discovered that he had 
been born with a very large hole in his heart ~ a VSD.

Practically no septum existed between the lower two chambers of his heart.
He would need open heart surgery to do the repair.  A patch was required.

However, the surgery was not to take place until the 
beginning signs of heart failure were apparent.  It took nearly a year.
For the entire first year of his life, we were seen frequently
by specialists at Children's Hospital and in a pediatrician's office.
He was monitored closely and cared for diligently.  We were thankful.



Austin had open heart surgery on April 15, 1996 ~ 
He was one year and one week old.

We prayed.  People around the world prayed as well.  The Lord sustained us all.
The work was done and the healing began.  How relieved we were!
Austin had a muscle bundle in the area of the patch that occasionally caused 
the electrical impulses to be interrupted.  He would need a pacemaker.

Again, we prayed.  Again, the Lord's people prayed.
And, once again, Austin was sustained.  The pacemaker was not required.
Or, so it was thought.



Many years passed.  Many follow-up visits to the heart clinic were logged.
Again and again, he was sent home with a relatively clean bill of health.
He was not to be treated specially.  He was allowed to exercise without restriction.
And, he did.  He played hockey, ran, rode his bike and swam.  He was active.

When he was fifteen, he began to show signs of Crohn's Disease.
The focus shifted from his heart to Crohn's.  And, rightly so.
However, approximately a year prior to the digestive issues manifesting,
his heart was beginning to fail.  We had no idea.  None at all.

To look back on that now can be devastating ~ humanly speaking. 
However, God's ways truly are higher than ours.  
We rest in His Sovereign purposes.  His perfect plan.

While Crohn's was being dealt with, the heart grew worse.
Much worse.  Critically so.  And, then, we ended up in ICU at Children's 
just prior to Austin's 17th birthday.  He was diagnosed with DCM. 
It was a dire situation.  And, it hit us like a tonne of bricks.
We were reeling, but, the Lord in His mercy and grace caught us and carried us.

Austin recovered steadily on the outside.  Things were looking good.
However, his heart made no great strides forward toward recovery.
It was too sick and too enlarged.  He needed a pacemaker.
God provided, and he was given a pacemaker in December 2012.
The hope was that it would help his heart to recover some of its function.
It was not to be.  It was not in the Lord's perfect plan.

The Lord took our Austin Home to Heaven on June 1, 2013.



We know that our God is great and does all things well.
His promises are sure and true.  We love His Word.  
It is such a comfort to our grieving hearts.
Only in eternity will we fully understand the whys behind this story.
However, it is not something we must know now.

"...the LORD gave and the LORD hath taken away;
blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21b

"...shall we receive good at the hand of God, 
and shall we not receive evil?" Job 2:10b

"But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay,
and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand." Isaiah 64:8

Our greatest desire for each of our children is that they would
 surrender their lives to the Lord Jesus Christ.  That He would be their Saviour.
There is nothing more important to us as parents than to know that they 
will go to be with Him when they die.  This is Austin's reality at this very moment.
His testimony was clear.  He was trusting his never dying soul to his Saviour's care.

He is worshiping the Lord in Heaven.  Perfectly.  Without hindrance.
One day, because of God's mercy and grace extended to us through the blood of 
the Lord Jesus Christ, we will be called Home to Heaven as well.

At the end of it all, this is all that really matters.
How precious it is to follow our Saviour and rest in His promises.
Austin's favourite Bible verse is such a comfort to the seeking soul ~

"All that the Father giveth me shall come to me;
and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out."  John 6:37

Our Great God is Faithful and will always honour the promises He makes.
The message of our Austin's life is this ~ be ready for eternity.
None of us knows when we will be called out of this world and into the next.
The time is now to come to the Lord.  He is merciful.  He will save.

The Lord Jesus said ~ "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, 
and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; 
for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

With Love,
Camille

**Originally published on my blog as a supplement page ~
It was first published in the Fall of 2014.

Two and a Half

Tomorrow marks two and a half years since 
our Austin was called home to heaven.

It's an incredible thing to ponder.  An amazing thing to consider.

It cannot fully be comprehended this side of eternity.

I am not sure if it will ever be fully comprehended.

Heaven is too wonderful for words.

(Austin, Howie and Calvin ~ 2011)

There are, however, things we know for sure about where our Austin is.

What we do know has been revealed to us through God's Word, the Bible.

Only a few men were shown some of the wonders of heaven.

And, they were told what could and could not be written about what they saw.

Paul said it was not lawful to speak of the magnitude

and magnificence of it all.  John had similar sentiments.

   

The things we have been told are wonderful. 

Sin, sorrow, suffering, sickness, death, and every evil thing are all absent. 

Only goodness, peace, joy, love and every perfect thing are present.

The Lord is there.  What else could we want?

HE is Everything.

(Fraser, Howie, Austin and Calvin ~ 2008)

What is our boy experiencing?  All good things.

He is with the Lord.  He worships Him perfectly.

Along with all those who have gone on before.

"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard,
neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God 
hath prepared for them that love Him."  I Corinthians 2:9

But, we miss him.  Oh, how we miss him!
His laughter and music.  His quiet presence.  His voice and smile.
His chair sits empty at the table.  His room is now occupied by Calvin.
His things wait to be sorted.  His violin sits silent in its case.

We are taking everything step by step.  Some things just have to wait.
And, that is okay.  There is no time-table for this process.
We rest in the Lord's perfect timing in it all.
And, He continues to give grace and strength.

He continues to give joy in the midst of sorrow.
Smiles through the tears.

 (Calvin, Austin, Fraser, Camille and Emma ~ 2006)

One day, we will be called home to heaven, too.  One day.
Until then, may we be found following our Saviour.
Wherever He leads.  For however long He has us here.
We are in His loving hands.  There is no better place to be.

So thankful that our Austin is safely Home.
Eternally grateful for the peace and comfort that knowledge brings.
Resting in God's perfect time when He will take us Home as well.
Together with the Lord.  Forever.

With Love,
Camille

Just Out of Sight

Our Austin was called home to heaven two years ago today.

It's difficult to wrap our minds around the reality of it all.

He is not physically here. And, we miss him.  But, we know he lives.

What a sweet comfort to our hearts that knowledge is.

We still have our Austin.  He's gone on ahead.  
Just out of sight.

Death is the last enemy.  We were not created to die.

But, sin came.  And, so did death.  However, the Saviour also came!

One day, in our eternal home, there will be no more sin.

No more death.  No more suffering or sorrow.  No more tears.

It's almost too much to comprehend.  
Too wonderful for words.

Until that day comes, we must carry on living our lives in this world tainted with 
sin and sorrow and suffering.  For as long as we are called to stay.

We must follow our Saviour wherever He leads.  Until He calls us home.

And, we will find it all to have been worth it.  At the end of it all.

When we reach the other side.

What a precious reality we have because of Him.
What a wonderful Hope!  What an amazing Future!
We serve a loving Heavenly Father Who provided The Way.

All who come to Him will not be cast out.

So, though we do not celebrate this day, we remember.
And, we rejoice.  We know that is what our Austin is doing.
Because our Saviour lives, we know that our Austin lives.
And, one day, we will live together forever in our eternal Home.

For all of eternity.  World without end.

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life;
he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live."
~ John 11:25 ~

With Love, Camille

What We Did

This past Wednesday was Austin's birthday.

He is not here to celebrate with us.  And, that's not something to celebrate.

However, we do like to mark the day.  Make it special in order to remember.

It feels strange to let the day pass by without some acknowledgement.
And, so we don't.  We can't.  There is comfort in the remembering.

Austin's first birthday after being called home to Heaven was last year.

We took the children to his grave and shopped for something special

for each of them in honour of his memory.
We went to Austin's favourite restaurant for dinner.

It was hard, but, it was good.

This year, (the second without our Austin physically here), 
we decided to do something a little different.
And, this is what we did to mark the day.

At first, we planned to just walk around the Stanley Park Seawall ~
one of our favourite things to do.  But, then I remembered a friend's suggestion
to bike it ~ all the way from Granville Island (see map above), around Stanley Park,
and back.  It was a great idea!  And, the perfect day to attempt it.

So, we (the boys) loaded all the bikes on the
back of the van, and we were off.

This was where Howie and I had our fancy date
just a couple of weeks ago.

Before the ride began ~ still feeling fresh and energetic and optimistic.
(Next year, I think I will do a little training before attempting to tackle it.)

See the row of blossoming trees in the background?
That was where we were headed for the start of our journey.

It was a beautiful day!  Emma took this shot ~ isn't it pretty?

It took two hours to complete the loop (with a few breaks here and there).

Howie and I lost the children (on purpose) for a few minutes ~
it was a little bit like a date.  :)

See the Granville Island Public Market sign (above left)?
The yellow building on the far right (on the other side of the water)
is Bridges Restaurant ~ the location of our recent fancy date.
It's near where our van was parked for this excursion ~ we were almost finished.

Howie and I think this may be the start of a new tradition
in honour of our Austin's birthday each year.

It was such a lovely day together and a wonderful gift from the Lord.
We are so thankful for the prayers of our precious family and friends.
Thank you to each one of you who have lifted us up before the Throne of Grace.

All the love and kindness shown to us has been such a great blessing.
We sensed the Lord's strength and grace with us throughout the day.
How good and gracious He is!  We so appreciate His loving care
manifested to us in tangible ways through the love of His people.

May He bless each of you abundantly!

With Love, Camille

**Photos in this post are a combination of mine and Emma's ~
thank you for sharing with me my little love.  xoxo

Missing Austin and Merry Christmas!

Christmas is upon us and we find ourselves

missing our Austin in the midst of it all.

We always will.  That will never change.

Never, that is, until we are called into eternity.

There will be no missing there.

In the meantime, we remember and we look back.

It hurts.  But, we are so very conscious of our Austin's gain.

He is no longer bound by the temporal.  By sin.  By suffering.

We can't help but rejoice when we think of where

he is and what he is doing.  All the time.

He will never die again.

It truly is an amazing thought.  A comforting thought.  A steadying thought.

It takes the sting away when we fill our hearts and minds with the reality of it all.

And, we rejoice because this is why our Saviour came to earth the first time.
To save His people from their sins, and to give them eternal life.  

To prepare a way for His people to be with Him.  Forever.



Austin made this tree ornament for me when he was ten.  

He hand-printed these sweet words on the back of it ~
"To My Dearest Mom Merry Christmas!  Love, Austin xxxooo"
It has a prominent spot on our tree.  I'm a mixture of emotions over it.
And, through it all, the Lord is good.  So very, very good!

This is just one of the many ways I am missing him.
All that he has done is all he will ever do ~ here.
I miss what will never be this side of eternity.  I miss him.

We are planning to be home this Christmas season.

There are many things on the calendar ~ too many?

Our front door threatens to be worn out with all the

comings and goings ~ but, it is good.  And, we are thankful.

There are many voices out there vying for your attention.

I like to take mine out of the mix especially at this time of year.

Quiet reflection is hard to come by at the best of times.

But, at Christmas?  It's nearly impossible.

So, I leave you with these precious verses from the Word of God
to ponder in your hearts at this wonderful time of year.
It really is all about Him!

"And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS:
for he shall save his people from their sins."  Matthew 1:21

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government
shall be upon his shoulder: and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor,
The Mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

"Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life;
no man cometh to the Father, but by me."  John 14:6

"All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; 
and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out."  John 6:37



May the Lord bless you each with His peace and presence now and always.

May He continually be your all in all.  Your everything.
May you follow wherever he leads.  For all your days.
Until He calls you from this world into the next.

He is faithful.  And, He is good.  Rest in Him.

My plan is to take the next couple of weeks off from blogging.
I hope to catch up with you all early in the New Year, Lord-willing.
If you should choose to leave a comment here it will not appear until then.
Thank you for always being so understanding of these breaks I take.
Y'all bless my heart and make me smile.  Truly.

 Merry Christmas from our Home to Yours!
Much Love, Camille