And, it is Enough

There is less evidence of Austin here.  Tangibly less.

His hockey bag has been given to Fraser ~

Fraser's was thrown away.  Now, only three bags remain.

Where there once were four vying for space ~ three comfortably sit.

We had no idea how precious the days were when 
our four ran together toward us at the beach ~ no idea at all.
Now, the three who remain here with us carry on the tradition ~ 
and, while it is wonderful, it also makes us sad.

These three are beyond precious ~ without a doubt.
But, one is missing from this group, and it will always grieve our hearts.

If either of the boys is in need of an article of clothing ~

Austin's dresser is searched.  The items dispensed.

The room becomes less full.  Less of him here.

However, we are not in a rush to empty it completely ~ it is very much 
the same as it was on the day he was called Home to Heaven.
Bits and pieces of our Austin's things are redistributed as it feels natural to do so ~
we are not hurrying the process along.  One step at a time.  Bit by bit.

There is no timetable for all of this ~
we are so thankful for that mercy.

When I write cards from our family, Austin's name is omitted.
When notes are written to us, his name is not included.
He is missing in all our journeyings.  The van is less full.
Our family photos don't quite feel complete.  

Is this what an amputation feels like?

His chair sits empty at the table and his violin sits silent in its case.  
Nothing moves in his room unless we move it.  Silence.
No quick exchanges on the stairs or a wave at the window.
No welcome home or good-bye hug at the front door.

No bantering back and forth in the humour we shared.
No overhearing the interactions with siblings as he quietly led.
Fraser plays the piano alone.  Austin no longer composes music with him.
In these, and a myriad of other ways ~ his absence is felt.  Keenly.
Missing our Austin is an ongoing, moment by moment thing.

It hurts my Mama heart.

In times like these, I must remember where he is. 
What he is enjoying.  What he is doing.  Who he worships ~ night and day.

And, I must remember that the Lord will take me there, too.  One day.

Not for any merit in me.  But, because of my Lord.  All of Him.

He is Faithful.  His Word is true.  His ways are best.

If I do not fill my mind with Truth, I threaten to implode.

To crumble and shatter into a mess.  But, God.

God, Who is greater than any mess that is me ~

Rescues my heart.  Clarifies my focus.  Redirects my gaze.

Eternity.  Eternity.  Eternity.

Truly, eternity is what really matters.  All of this leads to that.
At the end of it all, that is all.  And, it is enough.
Seeking to continually fill our minds with Truth ~ day after day.
It really is the only way to keep moving forward.
The only way to keep from falling apart.

And, He is Good.  Always and forever.  Eternally.

Many Blessings,
Camille