Our Austin Lives

In the last few weeks I have been remembering 
Austin's last few weeks last year.  His last days here.
So many last things.  So many memories of the moments.
The last "good night".  The final "good morning".  

No good-bye.

So much blurs with the passage of time.

Memories fade and we cannot fully grasp the past.
So many details are lost in the events recalled.  We forget.

It hurts and is soothing at the very same time.
I do wish it wasn't like this.  

I want to feel it all.  And, yet, I don't.

~ Fraser, Austin, Emma, and Calvin 2004 ~

We were not the type of family that documented

every single thing in photos or video.  In my opinion, that is.
(That changed somewhat with the advent of this blog, thankfully.)
The main things ~ yes.  The everyday stuff ~ not so much.  

I had no idea how precious those things were.
How precious they would become.
We had captured enough.  Or, so I thought.  

~ Disney World 2008 ~

Now, part of me wishes that we had more.

More of the everyday.  More of the moments.
More of the life we lived.  More of everything.
But, it isn't possible.  We cannot go back.  

And now, so much is different.

On Austin's last day here, one year ago today,
we were rejoicing in his regained strength.  His regained weight.

In his ability to resume his studies.  In his strides forward.
The *old* Austin was emerging and it was wonderful.

We thought he was on the road to recovery.  
We fully expected it to happen.

The night before he was taken home to Heaven,
we had no idea that his life was ticking down in minutes and hours
rather than in months and years.  No idea at all.

~ Fraser, Emma, Austin, and Calvin May 2012 ~

I can still picture him, even now, sitting in the living room

on the couch with his computer in front of him and his notes beside him.

He was studying for a geography exam.  It was his most difficult course.

He expressed that to me as I worked just around the corner in the kitchen.

"Mum, this stuff is just so hard."

Perhaps it was so hard because he was so sick?  Perhaps.

He had such a strong constitution.  A determined spirit.
He amazed his doctors with all that he was able to do.

He shouldn't have been able to accomplish nearly all that he did.
Time and time again.  Until his last breath.  Until his last day.

We have lived through this past year in sorrow and in pain.
There have been moments of extreme sadness and grief.
Almost unbearable at times.  Overwhelmingly so.

But, then, we remember.  We must.
We remind ourselves of the wonderful hope we have in our Saviour.
His promise to come again and take us to be with Him.  Forever.
Continually filling our minds with truths like these is the only way forward.

~ Austin June 2012 ~

It is how we continue on.  What we cling to.  How we live.
It is the only reason we have survived this first year without our boy.
It is why we can still smile and rejoice.  Because of this hope.

Our Austin lives.  Truly and completely.  Better than us.
Soon, we will be taken home to heaven as well.
Very, very soon.  And, then...we will live.  Really live.

"But as touching the resurrection of the dead,
have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying,
I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob?
God is not the God of the dead, but of the living."  Matthew 22:31-32

What incredible words of comfort to our hearts.
Our God is the God of the living.  The living!
Praising Him this day for His grace and goodness.
Just as our Austin is doing even now.

With love,
Camille